Fluffernutters: Words from the guys – Shit!

j2

Like one time when I lived down in Florida there was this douchy kid named K* who crashed on our couch for like 3 months..never paid rent. Well, he had this little zebra striped cooler lunch box thing for some reason. It was his mom’s but he had it to like bring beers to the beach or something… I hated him. So one night I got real drunk, grabbed the cooler and took a shit in it. Then I put a note on it with a big heart that said “Saw this and thought of you. – Love, K*” Then I put the cooler outside a random girl’s apartment and knocked on the door. Oops…

We at FMT don’t even know how to respond to this.. Thank god it wasn’t our door!

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I applaud the effort: you live almost 3 hours away.

funny-kids-7

“My name is J****, i live in Lititz, PA. I saw your profile and wanted to drop a message. I’m divorced for 2 years and don’t have any children. I do have two precious dogs that are my kids. To me, everything else is negotiable. I work as a trauma surgeon and that does take most of my time. I travel abroad a couple times a year usually and i do a lot of reading and some research. I like getting to know someones mind and talking about philosophies and points of view. I’m not sure if this is what you would be interested in, but if you are please hit be back. Best wishes, J****”

Dear J,

Let’s begin with the fact that you live in a different state. Now let’s say I lived in Arlington and you lived in Bethesda. Ok, not a deal breaker, but you live over 120 miles away. I hope you’re prepared to pitch in for gas money. Strike one.

Next, let’s talk about the fact that you’re a surgeon and that takes up most of your time. How are you going to find the time to drive more than 120 miles each way to take me out to dinner or go to a movie? Strike two.

Finally, you are 12 years older than me, at least 3 times my weight and you have more pictures of your car than you do of yourself. The list really goes on and on. Strike three, four, five. I think you’re out.

xoxo,
French My Toast

P.S. That “action” shot of you doing surgery…did you tell the photographer that you were going to put it on your online dating profile? I’m not squeamish, but a little advice: save the bloody pictures for the second date.

I applaud the effort: don’t worry, I won’t write you back.

j3

“You seem like a fun, well rounded person… Just please don’t stalk me..LOL!!!
Also, I like meeting fun and interesting people.. What else do you offer…?”

Hi-

I am a fun and well rounded person!

Why would you think I would stalk you? What gives you the impression that I would stalk someone?

You’re weird and I’m not attracted to you and I don’t stalk people. If this has happened to you in the past then I offer you this advice: maybe you should contact the police.

xoxo,
French My Toast

I applaud the effort: but you seem sad and desperate.

j11

“hello
I found your profile in my daily matches. I am not a super-active guy on this site. If you had some free time for me, it would be great to meet and have a little chit-chat. Even if it was a coffee only, you would make my day. I do not have super exciting photos, but, I hope, I am an ok guy. Please reply. It’s appreciated.

Have a great day,
Z*****”

Dear Z,

I think you could possibly benefit from some therapy and maybe Prozac. That being said, I don’t think you’re ready for a relationship. Give yourself some time for the meds to kick in (but please don’t write me back).

xoxo,
French My Toast

I applaud the effort: READ MY PROFILE!!

j6

 

“Hi, your smile captivates me What kind of music you like the most? If it is concerts and symphonies count on me to go together and listen to Bethoven!”

Hi-

Really? That’s the best you could come up with? I listed at least 10 bands in my profile that I like. I definitely didn’t mention Beethoven (P.S. you spelled his name wrong). I’m just confused and apparently so are you.

xoxo,
French My Toast

I applaud the effort: is it really that hard to write you instead of u?

j11

 

“good morning. how are u doing,…

good morning. how are u doing, hope ur weekend is going on great. just checking up on u.
U****”
Dear U,
Let’s begin with the fact that you’re “checking up on me”. I haven’t ever even met you, so it’s a little weird that you’re checking up on me. It makes me uncomfortable. Kind of like an itch in the middle of your back that you can’t quite reach. It makes you squirm in your seat.
Then let’s talk about the fact that you can’t seem to write out words completely. This tells me that you like to cut corners. If you’re already cutting corners and we haven’t even had our first date, this leads me to believe that you will be a complete slacker of a boyfriend.
Oh well. Seems like it just wasn’t meant to be.
xoxo,
French My Toast

Fluffernutters: Words from the guys -Getting Tested

j4

Herman, has had sex with probably 30-40 girls, hates condoms, but has never been STD tested. I asked him if he’d ever been tested and he said “Nah bro, that shit’s expensive, I just wait for the girls I’m fucking to get tested and then find out that way. That’s how I found out I had gonorrhea”.

– Watch out for this guy ladies! – FMT

I applaud the effort: next time read my profile.

sign

“I don’t know where to start on something like this but I’ll try. But since we are both on this site, I am willing to take a chance to say, “Hello”.

I love your smile and would like the chance to get to know you. I like having easy conversations or debates either over wine or good coffee. I hate to argue! As for me, I’m looking for someone to enjoy the city and share a smile with. Someone to use my “extra” ticket! I like going to NBA basketball games (I have tickets to the Wizards and yes I know they are bad but I like basketball) or events at the Corcoran Gallery, an opera at the Kennedy Center, or trying new restaurants.

I like other things from listening to jazz at Utopia on U Street or taking in a hike on the weekend. And yes, I’m taking Salsa lessons. I would love to try tango too. But don’t tell the guys or else my “Tough Guy Union Card” will be revoked!

If we can start as friends first (I don’t like pressure) that would be cool. So if I can pry you away from the job for little while and put a smile on your face, let’s chat and get to know each other.

E******

In the mean time, this is my attempt to make you smile. Don’t worry I won’t quit my day job.

A Fast Drinker

A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, “What’ll it be buddy?”

The man says, “Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles.”

The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served.

Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he’s doing all this drinking.

“You’d drink them this fast too if you had what I have.”

The bartender hastily asks, “What do you have pal?”

The man quickly replies, “I have a dollar.””

Dear E,

Quick tip – next time read my profile first. I don’t like basketball.

Also, Utopia closed in March. Now yes, it’s a temporary close…but this glaringly obvious mistake tells me that either you don’t get out much (which means we wouldn’t get along) or you simply copied and pasted this email to every girl you’ve found remotely attractive. Either way, not a win.

Also, you’re shorter than me and 13 years older. I go back to the first quick tip – read my profile first.

xoxo,

French My Toast

I applaud the effort: you are 18 years older than me.

“Just wanted to say Hi… and, your preference: Napa or Sonoma? Your profile reflects an eclectic lifestyle; and if our chemistry is right, it will feel like a release from life’s burdens…

I believe life should be like a cool breeze and calm simpatico with a life partner…
My two life adages really are- “Life’s too important to be taken seriously” [Oscar Wilde], and “The quickest path to the universe is through a forest wilderness” [John Muir]. So I guess I aspire to be a ‘smart, funny, self-assured, humble’ person; and if there’s intellectual connection and emotional compatibility between partners, along with a very good measure of humor [especially about myself], then there can be joy in life…

Cheers, Ciao, Au Revoir, Adios, Tschuse, Salut, Namaste`, Sayonara, Aloha a Hui Hou, Via Con Dios, Do Svedonya, Fii Amaan Allah, Ta Farda Inshallah, Ma`Lama Pono Akua, Kamsa Hamnida, Shay Shay Nee, Mahalo Nui Loa, Hasta La Vista, Baby!

peace out,

B**”

Dear B,

How long did it take you to Google the 47 ways to say goodbye?

Not impressed.

Oh and that 18 year age gap? Yeah, not helping.

xoxo,

French My Toast