I applaud the effort: Please don’t skin me.

cannibals-moti-con-the-guys-demotivational-poster-1285451967

Hi,I like your profile, I’m maybe that special someone your looking for. Let’s talk. I know more about you than you may know about yourself.

Love, M*

 

Dear M,

You creep me out. You know nothing about me. Nor will you. Please focus your energy on stalking someone else. I do not want to be made into your lamp shade! Thank you.

xoxo,
French My Toast

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I applaud the effort: But do not start a conversation asking if I’m from this planet..

thank you but no

Hi! how are you?!?!? Where are you from? are you from this planet? you look as an ANGEL !!! I love your smile! and I like your positive statement! and looking for a best friend and partner! that is the best thing to find in a partner in live. a best friend! How is your weekend so far? and your name is?  I love to dance salsa, west cost swing and teach Argentine Tango. do you like to dance? I look forward to hearing from you. I’d cross the planet to have a coffee with you and talk.

Dear L*,
You do not know me. And considering you just asked if I was from this planet why in the world would you want to cross the planet to have coffee with someone you don’t know? Please have that coffee on the other side of the planet..

XOXO- FMT

Fluffernutters: Words from the guys – Shit!

j2

Like one time when I lived down in Florida there was this douchy kid named K* who crashed on our couch for like 3 months..never paid rent. Well, he had this little zebra striped cooler lunch box thing for some reason. It was his mom’s but he had it to like bring beers to the beach or something… I hated him. So one night I got real drunk, grabbed the cooler and took a shit in it. Then I put a note on it with a big heart that said “Saw this and thought of you. – Love, K*” Then I put the cooler outside a random girl’s apartment and knocked on the door. Oops…

We at FMT don’t even know how to respond to this.. Thank god it wasn’t our door!

I applaud the effort: you live almost 3 hours away.

funny-kids-7

“My name is J****, i live in Lititz, PA. I saw your profile and wanted to drop a message. I’m divorced for 2 years and don’t have any children. I do have two precious dogs that are my kids. To me, everything else is negotiable. I work as a trauma surgeon and that does take most of my time. I travel abroad a couple times a year usually and i do a lot of reading and some research. I like getting to know someones mind and talking about philosophies and points of view. I’m not sure if this is what you would be interested in, but if you are please hit be back. Best wishes, J****”

Dear J,

Let’s begin with the fact that you live in a different state. Now let’s say I lived in Arlington and you lived in Bethesda. Ok, not a deal breaker, but you live over 120 miles away. I hope you’re prepared to pitch in for gas money. Strike one.

Next, let’s talk about the fact that you’re a surgeon and that takes up most of your time. How are you going to find the time to drive more than 120 miles each way to take me out to dinner or go to a movie? Strike two.

Finally, you are 12 years older than me, at least 3 times my weight and you have more pictures of your car than you do of yourself. The list really goes on and on. Strike three, four, five. I think you’re out.

xoxo,
French My Toast

P.S. That “action” shot of you doing surgery…did you tell the photographer that you were going to put it on your online dating profile? I’m not squeamish, but a little advice: save the bloody pictures for the second date.

I applaud the effort: don’t worry, I won’t write you back.

j3

“You seem like a fun, well rounded person… Just please don’t stalk me..LOL!!!
Also, I like meeting fun and interesting people.. What else do you offer…?”

Hi-

I am a fun and well rounded person!

Why would you think I would stalk you? What gives you the impression that I would stalk someone?

You’re weird and I’m not attracted to you and I don’t stalk people. If this has happened to you in the past then I offer you this advice: maybe you should contact the police.

xoxo,
French My Toast

I applaud the effort: but you seem sad and desperate.

j11

“hello
I found your profile in my daily matches. I am not a super-active guy on this site. If you had some free time for me, it would be great to meet and have a little chit-chat. Even if it was a coffee only, you would make my day. I do not have super exciting photos, but, I hope, I am an ok guy. Please reply. It’s appreciated.

Have a great day,
Z*****”

Dear Z,

I think you could possibly benefit from some therapy and maybe Prozac. That being said, I don’t think you’re ready for a relationship. Give yourself some time for the meds to kick in (but please don’t write me back).

xoxo,
French My Toast

A Fluffernutter’s Guide to Match.com

So we recently met a guy who swears by the below method. He claims it is almost flawless. Well, sir here is what FMT thinks of your flawless plan. Maybe you will take our suggestions into consideration and then your next relationship might last  a little longer 🙂 And might end you sending  a lot less creepy texts with smiley faces 🙂

j11

Match Template:
Almost flawless, 4 parts:
1) Neg, any funny-teasing joke you can make about her (‘jorts’ is an example) end with a smiley face, all is forgiven when a statement is finished with a smiley face 🙂 – Yes, jokes and teasing is cute. Please stop sending me a smiley face after every message. You look like you belong in a psych ward doing that..
2) Compliment, something, not on looks, or profession, anything else is good. personality, etc, – This is actually a good tip. However we will take any and all compliments.
3) Something introspective, this is where you look deep.. this doesn’t have to be actually backed by anything, you can just create the illusion you go beyond the surface. Put a statement out there where you seem to know more about her than what’s in her profile, or in her messages. – This is just odd, kinda like saying “We really have a connection after the first date…”
4) 1 Question. Questions keep the conversation going. Never more than 1 question per email, more than one question makes girls confused 🙂 – Really? You should probably screen the girls you message closer then if they can not handle more than one question at a time..
You may have to repeat emails in this format several times..
This method is practically flawless. Give yourself a week and half / two weeks before you expect to meet the girl. Plan out several days ahead, makes you seem important 🙂 I always ‘have a gift-card’ for a restaurant, gives you an excuse to get drunk together, without setting a precedent of you paying for her 🙂 – The gift card idea on the first date just makes you seem cheap and even cheaper if you have no expectation in paying for the girl on the first date anyways.. Trust me if you don’t you won’t get the second date.
XOXO FMT