I applaud the effort: Please don’t skin me.


Hi,I like your profile, I’m maybe that special someone your looking for. Let’s talk. I know more about you than you may know about yourself.

Love, M*


Dear M,

You creep me out. You know nothing about me. Nor will you. Please focus your energy on stalking someone else. I do not want to be made into your lamp shade! Thank you.

French My Toast


I applaud the effort: It’s time you give up!

i think it’s about time we finally have a cocktail and conversation? how about it?
Hi Z-
I didn’t write you back from the 1st 3 messages you sent me. Why in the world would you think I would want to write you back let alone meet up with you now?
Please don’t stalk me. It’s time to move on.
French My Toast

I applaud the effort: But do not start a conversation asking if I’m from this planet..

thank you but no

Hi! how are you?!?!? Where are you from? are you from this planet? you look as an ANGEL !!! I love your smile! and I like your positive statement! and looking for a best friend and partner! that is the best thing to find in a partner in live. a best friend! How is your weekend so far? and your name is?  I love to dance salsa, west cost swing and teach Argentine Tango. do you like to dance? I look forward to hearing from you. I’d cross the planet to have a coffee with you and talk.

Dear L*,
You do not know me. And considering you just asked if I was from this planet why in the world would you want to cross the planet to have coffee with someone you don’t know? Please have that coffee on the other side of the planet..


Fluffernutters: Words from the guys – Shit!


Like one time when I lived down in Florida there was this douchy kid named K* who crashed on our couch for like 3 months..never paid rent. Well, he had this little zebra striped cooler lunch box thing for some reason. It was his mom’s but he had it to like bring beers to the beach or something… I hated him. So one night I got real drunk, grabbed the cooler and took a shit in it. Then I put a note on it with a big heart that said “Saw this and thought of you. – Love, K*” Then I put the cooler outside a random girl’s apartment and knocked on the door. Oops…

We at FMT don’t even know how to respond to this.. Thank god it wasn’t our door!

I applaud the effort: you live almost 3 hours away.


“My name is J****, i live in Lititz, PA. I saw your profile and wanted to drop a message. I’m divorced for 2 years and don’t have any children. I do have two precious dogs that are my kids. To me, everything else is negotiable. I work as a trauma surgeon and that does take most of my time. I travel abroad a couple times a year usually and i do a lot of reading and some research. I like getting to know someones mind and talking about philosophies and points of view. I’m not sure if this is what you would be interested in, but if you are please hit be back. Best wishes, J****”

Dear J,

Let’s begin with the fact that you live in a different state. Now let’s say I lived in Arlington and you lived in Bethesda. Ok, not a deal breaker, but you live over 120 miles away. I hope you’re prepared to pitch in for gas money. Strike one.

Next, let’s talk about the fact that you’re a surgeon and that takes up most of your time. How are you going to find the time to drive more than 120 miles each way to take me out to dinner or go to a movie? Strike two.

Finally, you are 12 years older than me, at least 3 times my weight and you have more pictures of your car than you do of yourself. The list really goes on and on. Strike three, four, five. I think you’re out.

French My Toast

P.S. That “action” shot of you doing surgery…did you tell the photographer that you were going to put it on your online dating profile? I’m not squeamish, but a little advice: save the bloody pictures for the second date.