So we were having a party at our apartment, and some total grossout girl randomly comes over. She evidently knew the people who lived in the apartment the previous year, and was really drunk and wanted to party. She also thought she was really hot, despite being approximately the same weight as me. She starts talking about how she’s a stripper and can pick up a dollar bill with her butt cheeks. We called her out on this and she tried…super gross! Thank god nobody gave her a roll of quarters.
Well, I didn’t want to see any more of this gross drunk girl, and was afraid she was going to try to hook up with me like all girls do, so I went to bed and locked the door. A few minutes later, my friends start banging on the door and tell me I have to get up and come see something. Turns out the girl went in the bathroom to pee, but forgot to take her pants off and just pissed all over her pants. So we’ve got a drunk, gross wannabe stripper passed out on our toilet, covered in piss pants. Being from south of the Mason Dixon line, we were born gentlemen and know this is no condition for a lady to find herself in. We take her out to the living room and try to wake her up. She’s not responsive. Concerned for her medical well-being, I shave off one of her eyebrows (not both, because I am a gentleman) and give her a Sharpie Hitler mustache. Unsure of what to do with this girl, we decide it’s best if she sleeps it off in her own bed. Since we don’t know where she lives, we decide to just find her car and put her in that. Satisfied that I’ve taught the girl a lesson to not drink too much ever again, I go to bed.
My friends notice her key fob is a VW. They walk out to the parking lot carrying her and just keep hitting the lock button until it makes a car beep. They then find the girl’s car, put her in it, drive to a random neighborhood, park her car with her passed out in it, and get in my friend’s car and drive away.
This is why I hope I don’t have daughters.
This would also be why you don’t have a girlfriend 🙂 XOXO – FMT