Fake Dog Owner

So here I am, late 20ies and recently single. A few girlfriends of mine have been doing the match.com thing. So I figured why not let’s give it a try, what could it hurt, right?

Boy was I in for a surprise. So for our first date I met FDO out at Great Falls Park so we could walk his dog. Great idea, right? Its out in the open, lots of people around and he has his dog there. We met and walked around and played with the dog. Everything was going great. Really sweet guy. Then over the next few days we spoke on the phone and texted quite a bit. So we made a second date for Tuesday.

Here comes Tuesday. I drove out to Arlington to meet him for dinner then to watch the debate at his apartment. Maybe not my best idea but I figured I would be ok. All my friends had his address and number just in case. The restaurant was literally across from his place so we met outside and walked over. When we arrived there was this machine to catch lobsters. Like the ones at Dave and Buster’s where you catch stuffed animals but not as much fun. FDO was so excited and trying to show me how to scare the poor little creatures away from the corners so he could snatch them up! He kept telling me if we catch them we get to eat them. Ya, I was less than impressed…

However, I let it go when we walked over to the table. Everyone has different tastes right? I mean we don’t have to have everything in common. So we sit down and I didn’t even get a chance to look at the menu. He just orders for both of us. I guess its a good thing I like shrimp and mussels. I also found out he doesn’t drink at all. I’m not an alcoholic by any means but I’m sorry, but I find it really hard to trust someone who just doesn’t drink…

So as he starts with the small talk I start with drinking my beer. I was starting to think “Eh maybe I should just go home.” Next thing I know our food comes out. Yay right? Oh no. The shrimp still had heads on them and eyeballs and were disgusting. Now i’m a seafood lover but I can not eat anything looking at me. FDO went to town. Ripping heads off getting guts everywhere. It disgusted me.

After we ate, the debate had already started so I went with him to his apartment. We went inside and he gave me a tour. Its a small typical studio apartment with a kitchen, one bedroom, living room and bathroom. As were touring I notice no dog. Not only no dog but, no dog toys or bowls or bones or a crate or anything. So at this point I am getting a little creeped out. I mean where is the dog?? We then sit on the couch and start watching the debate. Next thing I know FDO jumps on top of me to make out with me, but not make out more like lick the side of my face and slober all over me, like a dog would.

At this point I’m creeped out and thinking that this guy might try to make my skin into a lamp shade and so its probably a good idea I go. So as I sit on the couch trying to think of a polite way to leave he looks over and says to me, “You have great breasts.” Shocked I was like, “umm thanks.” Then he proceeds to tell me, “I want to put them in my mouth.” At this point I think I was in total shock. It was that nervous laugh mixed with terror and WTF. Then as I started to gather my things together he tells me, “I bet you would look hot riding on top of me. Hey where do you like a guy to finish?” Oh yes he actually said that! At that point I was like, “Excuse me?” Then he looks at me like I’m crazy and was like, “Oh you poor girl what kind of guys do you date who don’t ask you that?”

At this point I’m appalled and I was gathering my things telling him I really need to go its late. (Might I add its like 9:15 at this point.) He then literally starts begging me to stay. I mean begging, saying he won’t try to sleep with me or touch me that he just wants to cuddle. Then proceeds to tell me he hasn’t had sex in a long time. I couldn’t leave quick enough. I grab my things and he stands between me and the door and asks for a kiss goodbye. So at this point I was like fine just to leave. So he leaned for a kiss I turned my head and he again slobber all over the side of my face. I maneuver around him and get to the door as I’m leaving he takes my hand and sticks it right on his penis and proceeds to tell me how hard I got him and how I couldn’t leave him like that. I snatched my hand back and left. I couldn’t get on the phone quick enough to tell my girlfriends about what the heck just happened.

So the next morning I wake up at 6am my usual time. At 6:08am I got  my first text message from FDO. Then before I arrived at work at 8am I had 3 missed called as well as 4 text messages. All about how FDO was shocked I didn’t tell him what a great time I had and how he cant wait to see me again and he just needs to hear my voice to make sure I’m OK. Crazy right? Oh it gets better. I had a busy morning so I didn’t have time for his craziness. So I left my phone on my desk while I had my meetings. I come back in at 11am and I had over 40 text messages! Over 40! Who does that? All about how I do not know how to communicate and how he thinks he deserves an award for communication skills. It was ridiculous. I then emailed him. I knew I needed to get him to quit blowing up my phone. I sent him a simple message saying.

FDO, wow you sent a lot of messages. Too many messages actually. Please stop. Our lives are on different paths right now and I think they should continue that way. Good luck.

After that message I got I think about 8 more emails left and 5 or so text messages asking me why I don’t want to work this out and if we were breaking up. Luckily he did get the point after me not responding anymore…

So yes, this is my first experience with match.com. Can anyone top that?


One thought on “Fake Dog Owner

  1. Pingback: On why the dog park is the best first date ever. | frenchmytoast

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